zooming (out)

through years

I wish I believed in astrology, really. It sounds nice to place your faith in stars, planets, and things that you cannot control. In events that you couldn’t possibly have changed. Dad prides himself on rationality, but the spiritual and signs have always had their sway on him, in ways increasingly irrational. I think this is where my aversion to astrology comes from. I do, however, have Costar installed. We all need truisms force-fed to us from time to time. Zoom out, look at the bigger picture. It may be time to do something you haven’t done before. I could have told myself that in the mirror, sure, but far be it from me to underestimate the power of good UI.

I am trying to zoom out. I think my life is too small, my issues too contained, that is the problem. When I zoom out, I slide over into a life that is not my own. Perhaps that is the point of zooming out. Not to look objectively at your own life, but to have a glimpse of another’s. See what makes them cry, see more carefully what makes them smile.

I spent far too much of last year ladling out importance to things I do not care about myself, not really. A calendar turned is hardly going to change this, but my resolution, which has got to make it through at least January, is that I will have stupid, silly wants.

1. Buy a rose from people selling them on the roads

2. Give it to someone I don’t know, someone in red. Or whatever colour the rose is

3. Try Madhubani art

4. Order a pair of mismatched earrings

5. Meet a baby, anywhere. Stick my tongue out till it laughs. Maybe stop calling babies “it”

6. Buy a spicy achaar

7. Surprise Mom with a visit

8. More owl paraphernalia!

9. Think of December more kindly, effective right now

#9 isn’t very hard, once I’ve defined it. What a month, when you exclude the cold, cold Dread. I think earning, even a little, makes you appreciate December just that bit more. I spent hours, spreadsheets, and around a Gigabyte of browser memory selecting gifts for every person I could think of. Ceramic calendars! Terracotta earrings! A set of matching mugs and chai!

One of my favourite gifts that is never far from my mind is one that didn’t make it to its recipient. A plant that shared their name, to be gifted to mark the beginning of a new year, the beginning of a life far from home. A reminder of it, more.

Gifting is a mute confessional, to me. I’ve never been good at voicing feelings, at confessing affection. So I scour the internet till I find a piece of them to hold my big, big feelings. Maybe spill some over, too.

I love gifting, I hope I always do, but my stupidest, silliest want this year is to be able to say words to accompany gifts, too. Sometimes subtext gets mislaid, and really, this world is too fragile and the years too short for any love to be lost.